Writing this reflection feels surreal. I am leaving the University of Washington, in many ways, changed, but in many ways still the same. The sense of confusion that was all consuming as I moved to Seattle as a 17 year old freshman still remains, but this sense of confusion (for the most part) is welcomed, or at least valued as I emerge from this period of my life. I came to the University of Washington clinging to a defined path, a perceived plan of how the next four years would play out, and continue to shape my life post-graduation. Almost none of this plan was followed.
I came into the University of Washington clinging to a conception of the world as black and white, clinging to rationality, to outcomes, to the values and interests I held close to me in high school. Throughout my early education, I clung to the rational. I enjoyed systems that I thought were black and white. I loved math, I was comforted by equations that followed a clear cut process. I still remember geometric proofs fondly, my mind put at ease by tables that organized information in a flowing pattern, clearly justifying every move from a to b. My family often jokingly called me a judge, I always had a strong position on right and wrong, and could easily come out of witnessing a family quarrel with a clear cut answer of who I felt was right, and who was not.
So when I began my time at the University of Washington, I was craving a continuation of what I felt was a history of studies in rational and objective analysis, both personally and within my educational career. I enrolled in classes like advanced calculus, and planned on majoring in economics, math, or maybe even business (all of which are great paths, just not the right fit for me). After a series of missteps, confusion over course registration and credit allocation (something that, still, to this day, is a little opaque to me), I ended up diverting from what I thought was a rational, linear, and stable trajectory. Instead of taking advanced calculus I took astronomy. Instead of taking economics I took a sociology course. Slowly but surely I found myself straying away from my strong commitment to “rationality,” from systems that I thought were perfectly objective.
I found CEP at some point within this process, and after applying, studied abroad on a Comparative History of Ideas (CHID) program, and added CHID as a double-major. It was in these moments of change, of disruption, where I found myself, found my educational path and interests, and found the passion that I came to the University of Washington craving.
I thought, though, when I finally declared a major I would have a plan, I would know where I was going and finally feel secure with a sense of clear direction. This never happened, though, I realize now that I was waiting for someone to figure out my passions for me, for someone to outline a path that was clear and constructed, for someone to tell me what my future would look like. I was scared to take an active role in my future, to explore, to find my interests, because in my mind I felt like this opened up the potential for failure, for risk, and for potential lack of a “pay off”.
This is why I am so grateful to have found CEP. Within this program, I have pushed to take an active role in my own education, to define my own success, and to find my own path. In choosing coursework, in defining my own research focus, and in outlining my own plan for the past two years of my education, I tested new avenues, I took unfamiliar classes, I pushed myself to step away from the constructions of rationality that I had once cling to, and to examine the foundations of my own positionality, and the way I engage with the world. In many ways, I owe the impetus of this work to the CEP program. Through CEP I was pushed to take an active role in my education, but also to appreciate an interdisciplinary approach, and to step out of the confines of discipline to learn other ways of operating, and other perspectives. In many ways, also, I owe the impetus of this work to the CHID program, and to my study abroad experience. CHID has pushed me to deconstruct the binaries that I once clung to, to find meaning and power in embracing uncertainty, and to push myself to engage critically with the world around me. Through CHID, I found my academic voice - I began to construct a worldview - and the tools to engage critically within the worlds that I am situated within both in and out of the classroom. Through CHID, I was pushed to examine my own positionality, how I engage within systems of oppression, and to begin, as best as possible, to deconstruct the foundations of the societies that I am embedded within. I am still continuing this work.
When I consider what I’ll remember looking back on my college experience, I find myself gravitating to my research work – my thesis for CHID, and my capstone project for CEP. These projects have changed my future plans, my sense of self, and the way I want to engage with the world moving forward. Completing two capstone projects at the same time has been hugely challenging, and at times throughout the past year, I have felt that I’ve lost myself to these projects. In throwing my all into them, I also tied my validity as an academic to other’s conceptions of my work, and because I feel so connected to my academic work, this often bled into my own confidence as a person outside of my work. There were moments of struggle, of confusion, and of insecurity, but through them I have found my own voice, a commitment to and belief in the power of my work, and a sense of confidence and humility. I have learned to embrace feedback, but also to understand that there are limits to this – when to ask for help, and when to rely on my own feelings and my own work.
Through these projects, I have found a love for research, and for applying theory to practice. This is work that I know will be challenging, but work that I hope to and plan to continue moving forward – hopefully pursuing a graduate degree in the future, post-graduation.
Though my academic work has been hugely foundational over the course of my college experience, there are moments that stand out outside of this. Coming into CEP, I was nervous. I was happy to find such a small program, but the size meant that I would be pushed to step out of the comforts of anonymity within a larger university, and form connections, both with my peers and with the faculty and staff within this program (and within CHID). But through this program, I have found a community that has been transformative, and has provide much support and challenge throughout my educational path. Through my cohort, I have found friends, peers who challenge me to think critically and to engage, and have also encountered difference – difference in perspective, position, and in work styles – difference that at times has been frustrating and challenging, but difference that has also pushed me to be reflective, to be better, and to grow.
I am hesitant, though, to portray my educational path as one of linear growth, of a binary of transformation, because this is not realistic. This is not realistic in the sense that there are elements of myself and my education and path that I struggled with as a freshman that I still struggle with today, and in the sense that my CEP education at times has been difficult in numerous ways.
As I have highlighted throughout, I so appreciated the flexibility that CEP has allowed for, and the space and challenge to embrace and pursue my own research. Within some of the CEP coursework though, I have struggled to find connection to curriculum and to class structure. In this, though, I failed to speak up, I failed to use my voice, and failed, in many ways, to advocate for the curriculum that I wanted to see in this program. Some of this is on the structural confinements of being a student – and only having so much say in curriculum – but much of this is on me. In looking back now, I know to prioritize using my voice, leveraging my position and working for change. I admire my classmates who have done this, and will bring learnings from them into my future path. I hope, too, that the change that some of my classmates have pushed for continues to occur, that curriculum continues to grow, and that CEP can continue to work to address the issues of equity and oppression facing societies today, and be a part of creating active change. This work is always unfinished.
I face the future trajectory of my life perhaps just as nervous as I was entering the University of Washington, if not more. I am unsure of how to navigate the next chapters of my life, I am unsure of who I am without the structure and academic rigor of the university. I have loved my time here, I have found myself (as much as possible), found my voice, found my passions. I often find myself viewing my impending graduation as a loss, a loss of these spaces, of this intellectual and personal challenge. But this is not a loss, it is an achievement. I have committed myself so fully to the past four years of my education, and the past two in CEP specifically. I have had many experiences, much personal growth, and much challenge. I am sad to be leaving, but I am proud of the work that I have done, grateful for this experience, and for the learnings that I am taking with me. My time at the university is concluding, but I will carry this with me always.
I face this next chapter nervous, but also actively reminding myself that uncertainty is not unproductive. I am unsure of my next move, but moving forward I plan to embrace this uncertainty, to find comfort in the growth that I have been a part of these past four years, and to explore what the future will bring. I plan to continue to work hard, to continue to seek challenge and growth, and to continue to be intentional about my trajectory moving forward.